It is actually quite unusual for Agent Triple P to have erotic dreams (at least ones we remember)but we had a corker last night about our former neighbour Cheryl Cole.
In this very vivid example we were a student at Oxford, but it was a very bizarre Oxford where our room was a split level Habitat style Seventies effort. All white blocky furniture, orange rugs and built in bookshelves (quite unlike our eighteenth century rooms from our first year). Our dream opened with Cheryl in bed with Triple P who was trying to remove her top. This despite the fact that Cheryl was born two years after we finished at Oxford! Cheryl was wearing a rather fetching patterened top of the type known as, a few years ago, a handkerchief top. Cheryl was most insistent that we could not remove it due to her scars (shades of Chardonnay from Footballers Wives, perhaps?). Anyway she had no such worries about her skirt and knickers and very soon Triple P was being most orally attentive. Miss Cole, however, was very conscious of the fact that she was a celebrity and Triple P was a very lucky non entity and constantly berated him on his oral technique. "Lick across it not up and down!" she said in her not very dulcet Geordie tones. Agent Triple P well knows this. He needs no instruction in this area! Bossy bitch!
It's your legs you should worry about, dear!
Anyway, in one of those sort of sudden jumps you get in such dreams, he was transported to a train leaving Oxford but didn't realise this until he was five stations down the line. He jumped off the train only to discover that he was only dressed in a white towelling dressing gown. He found himself at a bus station in a very seventies looking modernist town (not unlike the ugly bits of Ayelsbury) worried about being mugged by Jamaicans and unable to find where the bus back to Oxford left from. He telephoned Cheryl who, after an inordinate amount of time, came to collect him in her white convertible Ford Cortina. She created something of a stir at the bus station as she was just wearing a very small, black, lacy nightie.
Well, what did all this mean? A classic anxiety dream, our friend B opined. "As you get older you worry that your sexual performance is diminishing". Thanks B. We will see about that this coming weekend in Geneva! Still, an erotic dream with the lady who has just, for the second year running, been voted the sexiest woman in the world can't be all bad. If only she didn't talk all the time. Suddenly we have a window into the reality of life for Ashley Cole. Poor chap!