Thursday, October 22, 2009

More Tube annoyances

Having been away from London in Poland, Canada and the US for a month coming back to the ever-more overcrowded West End has been something of a depressant.

Hooray, its dark and gloomy. Hooray, ugly baldy porridge eating man is still on the train in the morning. Hooray, even more ugly people are trying to get on at Claygate station every day. Hooray, none of the tourists seem to have gone home for the Winter. The strength of the Euro in particular means we are being overrun by what Agent Triple P's father would have called "Frogs, Krauts, Dagos and Wops" (he would have considered the British National Party a bunch of effete, liberal pinkos). Actually, Agent Triple P doesn't mind the Germans or the Italians. As a result of the continued presence of Johnny Foreigner three key rules on the London Underground are being flaunted to the delay and inconvenience of all.

1 If you are on an escalator STAND ON THE RIGHT! Don't stand side by side comparing the lovely scarves you have just bought at Liberty.

2 When coming up or down the stairs at Underground stations walk on the LEFT HAND SIDE. It's the same as the road and we drive on the left not the right like all you misled people. As we invented the concept that cars should stick to a certain side of the road our way, being first, must be right. If I was walking down stairs in Paris I would walk on the right. Same as the traffic. How hard is it? It's the same as escalators. Walk on the right!

3 When a tube train comes into the station wait until everyone gets off before trying to get on. Now all that happens is a total free for all as some people wait and others (usually women) push in front of them crashing into people trying to get off. While we are about it, when you know your station is coming up it is a good idea, maybe even a stop or two in advance, to start edging towards the door. Don't sit in the middle of a crowded carriage and then try to fight your way off because you haven't left enough time. You have to think ahead!


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